*Apple blossoms early May*
Ever since I graduated last Spring, I have felt like I am drifting into an abyss of sorts. I barely remember the content of my classes and I have even forgotten the title of my thesis. Towards the end, I felt my interests shifting away from my original intent and a wish for a more domestic life. In the end, as many of you know, I ended up trying to use my degrees and took a permanent job. Often, I feel regret at my decision because I now feel trapped in fulfilling my employment obligation. Of course, we are an "at-will" nation meaning I could quit at any time, but inside me lives a fear of letting this part of my life go completely (and in this field, once you're out, you're out).
The alternative is being home to nurture my children, my husband, my bit of earth, myself. I have noticed that many in my age group (late 20's thru 40's) are returning to this role (albeit, the role has changed since our mothers'/grandmothers' days. To me, we are natural researchers. We seek out knowledge on the world around us. Perhaps, we see the flaws in the design.
The flaw I have fixated on in the past few years is the one where I end up paying to go to work. Gas prices creep up, auto payments are due, childcare is eminent. There are other costs than the obvious money ones as well. My children spend a significant part of the day in a non-parental home; they are forced out of sleep at the time work dictates; they eat crap because I am too tired to cook before/after work...
Then there are the selfish complaints: I have to get up unnaturally; I eat crap; I spend a significant part of my time in the care of someone else. My deep satisfaction with the employers I have known has been their lack of attention to me. I feel like an ignored SAH spouse. I strive and strive to please in order to BE NOTICED and advance, only to find that the competition of others that I work with hinder me. This is, of course, my flaw, but it keeps me from finding the peace I need in any given position. My paycheck is not my ends to a means. I want to be praised, I want to be seen as the highly ethical, highly motivated, highly hardworking individual I believe myself to be. My trip-up is the others around me that are also these beings with the added ability to brown-nose superiors. I lack this skill and do not wish to ever possess it. If I was a supervisor I would be disgusted by those who step on the toes of others in order to be noticed by management. I would suspiciously judge compliments and I would instead look at this person's work. Of course, there are lots of co-workers that are able to arrogantly praise themselves and make sure EVERYONE else is aware of their accomplishments. Good workers? Yes, I suppose, but there are also the quiet ones who do not wish to be praised for doing their jobs; they just want to be seen as the hard workers they are trying hard to be and be aptly rewarded with opportunities for advncement. Unfortunately, I have observed that I am not the material employers want, need. They, too, often want to be praised (even if they know the praise is not sincere). And, I am unable to be that person. It tires me out. Additionly, I always seem to be at the bottom (e.g. hierarchy, pay, etc.) This job has not been the exception and I mainly blame myself for not asking to be placed at a higher level in the start (forgive my vague details here).
So my choice at the end of the year is to take a sabbatical from what I have been condition to do. I need to do a little autodidactic research and find what it is I need from this life. I invested much time and money and energy into a education that I thought would boost me into a niche I would feel comfortable in and I am finding that this is not the case. Actually, I realized this from the temp.seasonal job I had while finishing my degrees, but I had come too far to quit. I am beginning to understand what would make a person walk away from their hard-earned skills, education, employment experience in order to pursue that thing called life. I am starting to feel the same pull out of the societal norm I expected.
ETA: I reread my post and I've got to say that I sound so whiny. I know I should be grateful to have a decent job and one in my field! Biology jobs are not exactly easy to come by in rural areas. I just have been feeling so down-hearted about the role I have here. I feel so under-utilized, worthless. I see the job as just another way for a gov*n agency to negotiate for more tax $$$. Maybe I just need a little purpose...
8 comments:
I too understand walking away from one's education after years of hard work. For me, it's because I feel I've been lied to by society. And I feel as if I've been stolen from. I mean, I've done everything soceity expects so where are my rewards?
Is there some other type of employment you can do which (hopefully) will fufill you more?
Lastly, what is autodidactic research ?
I feel the same way, Nio. I feel like the school thing was a scam of sorts. I worked so hard. Spent so much of my energy and money and I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I am bored in this job. I feel like I am working so far below what I am capable. I can do the job of my direct boss and he is still trying to figure it out after a year! This is not meant to sound arrogant. I have past experience that has allowed me to be at the level I believe I am at.
Like you, I wonder where my rewards are.
I have no idea what I want to do anymore. Maybe I need to spend more money at University??? ;-)
Autodidactic research=self led research. I meant it as opposed to work or school research. I don't want an agenda anymore, except my own! Autodidactic had always been one of my favorite words. It literally means "self taught".
I don't think your post was whiny, maybe because I'm in the same position. I'm learning that, I need to do things differently then the societal norm and that's ok... Good luck finding your path - though it's very little luck and lots of dedication/perservance probably.
A wicked f'n scam, if you ask me (a little New England venacular for you).
What I don't understand is why academina needs to be competative. And what bothers me the most is the fakeness of those in academia: they smile at you then club you over the head. Then tell you your skin is too thin. I just don't get it.
After reading your defination of autodidactic I realize I'm the same as you. Let me do what *I* want and I'll do a fab job. But I suppose we're all like that.
Maybe a PhD is in order for you. It's my understanding work for such a degree is largely self motivated. Question is, what is your interest which will allow you not only some academic automony, but financial rewards as well?
Or, is there another masters you can get which will bring fulfilling employment your way?
PS: Can you go to your boss and tell him you feel under-utilized and if it doesn't change, you plan on leaving at the end of the year?
I always assumed I would be a career woman, that working in a fast paced design environment was what would be most fulfilling to me. I started to make progress in my career when I decided to go back to school which meant I had to quit my career job.
I took a break from work for a while and discovered, to my surprise, that staying home and cooking, cleaning, gardening and making things for my house was so much more fun than trying to get along in a company to make someone else rich.
I stayed home for seven years, basically learning all the skills needed to become an urban homesteader and those were the best years of my life. I miss them.
I don't feel restless or bored staying home. I never feel trapped or lonely because I have cultivated friends with the same interests.
Since my husband lost his job I've had to start working again. WE opened our own store and a lot of the work I have enjoyed but I wouldn't hesitate to return to my life of staying home if I didn't have to be trying to make a living.
I think you have to listen to yourself, your gut. Don't stay with a job you're not benefiting from if you don't need the money. You have this one life to live and though we all have to do things sometimes that we would prefer not to do, when you have a choice to make decisions that would lead to more happiness, you should do it.
If you have to work to pay the bills then perhaps you should remain until the end of the year at least and talk to your boss as Niobium suggested. Try at least to make it more interesting.
If you and your husband don't depend on the income then perhaps you should find out what you really want and then make a move to have it. If you aren't interested in your field anymore, if what you really want is to homestead and spend time with your boys-don't feel you have to waste another minute being unhappy with your job.
Just food for thought. It's a conundrum familiar to me.
I didn't think the post was whiny either.
I got a PhD in biology, taugh high school for a year and walked away from it all when my son was born 7 years ago. I've never regretted that decision. Science was not what I thought it would be and never would have made me happy. I do teach 2 evenings a week at the local community college to make a little extra money and that works out well for the whole family. Something like that may be an option for you, community colleges always need science teachers.
For over two years now I have been thinking about quitting my PhD program. I put so much work into it: A-student, fantastic hardworking and admired Teaching Assistent, straight A's on my crippling Exams. Put up with awful egos, backstabbing, unfair competition... Now I have only the dissertation to go and for over two years I haven't progressed one inch. Burned myself out and haven't recovered, and (more importantly) found that I love mothering, freelance creative writing, blogging, and homesteading (not happened yet, but we're working on our Homesteading Plan). And in the service of all that: free, autodidactic study, as you put it. MUCH more efficient, MUCH more satisfying, and at least it stays in your brain!
So I plan to quit. I've known I should quit for a long time now. I don't even believe in the field anymore (History of Philosophy). I dont want to teach it. Still I've gone on paying the tuition, going through the motions, not applied myself seriously to anything else where "still thinking" aobut this dissertation...
Why?
Because "I've done all the work, paid the money"... Well, it doesn't fly (for me) anymore.
I need to look at the future now, at myself in the future. THAT is the person who needs to be happy and who will also be the role model for my child.
As for the past: what I've learned is not in vain. All the rest, it's behind me and I should stop it from dragging me down any longer.
Also, this: mothering, growing and cooking good food... it might not "bring in" any money, but as you say, it saves money, and that too IS money. And so so much more!
I hope you get through this crisis. And I don't think you're whining. In fact, thank you for writing about it: it has opened my eyes even further to my own case.
Kaat at blog.bolandbol.com
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